Joke

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Re: Joke

Postby Kingsbane » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:18 am

Happy to please.


Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van
When, suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "oh big
boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips on hand but, in a flash of inspiration, he opens
the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen
until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the
Whipping, are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "did you get these marks
having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let
alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits
that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so
because, in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of
van-aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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Re: Joke

Postby BasBarian » Tue Aug 29, 2017 11:42 am

nice!

I am curious to see how many of the non-native-english-speakers get it.....certainly took me a bit
(tip: speak the words out loud)
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Re: Joke

Postby Kingsbane » Tue Aug 29, 2017 12:10 pm

HaHaHa, can just see you in a crowded place saying over and over again, " van-aerial disease" " van-aerial disease"



The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to
exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said







What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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Re: Joke

Postby ErpelPower » Wed Aug 30, 2017 9:52 am

also did not wórk, googling also did not help ... I AM SO SAD!!!!!
Peace!

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Re: Joke

Postby Kingsbane » Wed Aug 30, 2017 10:11 am

HaHa, to help all the none English among you I have posted a Yorkshire Guide, with a lot of help from Rebelodicus.

Just a bit of information.


* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food or bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called 'double U'? Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

- The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead by now.

- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".
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Re: Joke

Postby Rebelodicus » Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:02 am

:smile44

Good grief. Your gonna upset the locals for sure .. :smile49


The only thing you can chop down and then chop up is a Tree :smile45 .. by the gods... I know there is more :smile61 :smile52
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Re: Joke

Postby Kingsbane » Wed Aug 30, 2017 2:47 pm

HaHa Reb, me upset the locals. LOL

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET, STAND SHOULDER WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.




WELL DONE, NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
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Re: Joke

Postby Rebelodicus » Thu Aug 31, 2017 1:33 pm

OMG ! :smile13 You're gonna have too give me a minute here... :smile31 .. This is sooooo open for interpretation.... :smile38

The right interpretation "BM8 style" ... anyone can join in..... :smile41

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
RAA RAA RAA ! orrr ...... while taking a crap ? :smile42 :smile44

2. FEET, STAND SHOULDER WIDTH APART
Feet do NOT have shoulders! :smile44 and if they did is it Width or depth of shoulder ? :smile61

3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
You have just described the state of the clans sanity :smile62 :smile57

4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
No Budgie smuggler type swimming costume... shorts only :smile66

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
:smile74 :smile75 :smile61 It's yellow ! :smile95

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
It's the little white ball you're after :smile67

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
Kristy the "camp bicycle" doesn't mind you "Batting on a sticky wicket" (Second dips to you non Brits)

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
Kristy doesn't mind but it can cause a pain in the arse :sex

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
Comments on the size, smell and shape of Kristy while the others disrobe is generally off-putting

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
:smile54 :smile55 NUFF SAID ... It's written on the label :smile73 :smile74 :smile75
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Re: Joke

Postby Kingsbane » Thu Aug 31, 2017 6:12 pm

HaHa, you talk about me upsetting the locals. LOL
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Re: Joke

Postby Kingsbane » Fri Sep 01, 2017 7:34 am

Here's something to think about........

I recently picked a new GP.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly
well’ for my age (I've just reached 70).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said ...
He looked at me and said 'Then, why the hell do you want to live to 85 then
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Re: Joke

Postby Rebelodicus » Fri Sep 01, 2017 11:12 pm

:smile6 You sir are the BOSS :smile7 :smile8 :up

If my GP doesn't have that attitude he, sure as Hades, Isn't my GP any more :smile13 :smile56
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Re: Joke

Postby Kingsbane » Sat Sep 02, 2017 6:31 am

Why thank you kind Sir. LOL



Back and forth . . . .
Back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . .
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . ..
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . .
With a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . .
Again . . . .
And again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
Softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . .
Totally exhausted . . . .
She let out a piercing scream . . . .



“OK, OK, you smug bastard, you win. I can’t parallel park. You do it!”
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Re: Joke

Postby Kingsbane » Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:23 pm

:up :up :smile25

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing, replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent said, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me?"
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskeys, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"





"You're the eighth" said the old man
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Re: Joke

Postby Kingsbane » Sun Sep 10, 2017 3:40 pm

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eat sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. "With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says,




"What the ffffk would they want with a plasterer!"
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Re: Joke

Postby jossmer » Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:32 pm

I was at the local swimming pool this morning, I decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed!
He blew his whistle so loud
That I nearly fell in !
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Re: Joke

Postby Skiaviator » Mon Sep 11, 2017 8:25 am

Very good :smile13
Here's one for you.
What is a Yorkshireman's foreplay technique?...............................
"Get your coat luv, you've pulled"
Its nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice :up
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Re: Joke

Postby Rebelodicus » Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:36 am

lol.. short ones now is it?

A man falls into two holes ... boom boom :smile44

Can a man do a worse or shorter joke? :smile42
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Re: Joke

Postby Skiaviator » Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:03 am

Rebelodicus wrote:lol.. short ones now is it?

A man falls into two holes ... boom boom :smile44

Can a man do a worse or shorter joke? :smile42

Don't know about short ones, but here is a ditty for you.
There is a dark and lonely place
Where no man dares to show his face
and if you strike a light to see
you find you're in..........
the ladies lavatory :smile52
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Re: Joke

Postby Rebelodicus » Mon Sep 11, 2017 4:19 pm

lol... that one should be in the nonsense rhymes thread m8 :)
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Re: Joke

Postby Skiaviator » Tue Sep 12, 2017 8:49 am

Rebelodicus wrote:lol... that one should be in the nonsense rhymes thread m8 :)

Oops
Its nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice :up
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Re: Joke

Postby jossmer » Wed Sep 13, 2017 8:13 am

A priest and a nun were riding a camel through the desert.
Suddenly, the camel keels over and dies. They're lying there contemplating their certain death, when the priest says,

"You know, I've never seen a naked woman before..."

The nun decides to take off her clothes. Then she says,

"I've never seen a naked man before."

The priest takes off his clothes. The nun looks down at his crotch and asks the priest "What's that?"

"It's a gift that god gave me to create life," he said.

"Great!" said the nun. "Now shove it up that camel's ass and lets get outta here!"
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Re: Joke

Postby Skiaviator » Thu Sep 14, 2017 9:23 am

A funeral director was having problems putting the body of the world hokey cokey champion in his coffin.
He put his left leg in................
:smile7
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Re: Joke

Postby Rebelodicus » Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:32 am

:smile44
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Re: Joke

Postby jossmer » Thu Sep 14, 2017 3:50 pm

Skiaviator wrote:A funeral director was having problems putting the body of the world hokey cokey champion in his coffin.
He put his left leg in................
:smile7

lol'ed :white
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Re: Joke

Postby BasBarian » Fri Sep 15, 2017 12:53 pm

A nice buch of laughing i did reading all that literature :smile13 :smile13

small one from me:

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa

When they get to the hospital; she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.... "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!!!"
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